What a few weeks it has been.

What a few weeks it has been. In my cycles of triathlon training, I do not think I have ever gone through as large a mental struggle as I have gone through in the last couple of weeks. I am not even sure where to begin. Today, I find myself 5 weeks out from an Ironman. If you would have asked me last week if I was going to make it this far, I would have answered, I am not so sure.

I have stated before that I do this triathlon stuff because it keeps me sane. These past few weeks, it almost drove me over the edge. My life and my work were colliding and all my Ironman training was getting forcibly squeezed out. It drove me to my breaking point. Sadly, this came to a head on the night of my wife's birthday.

To begin with, I had asked my co workers to try to give me some light call over the last 2 months before the Ironman. I was going to make it up to them later, so their work would be rewarded. Instead, I come to find out that I will be on call for 3 out of the 7 weeks before the Ironman. For me, that means no "real" free time from Friday 7:00am to Monday 7:00am for three whole weekends. I don't get it; can't they see how hard I have been working?

Next, life situations came up that caused my workouts to get all changed around out of their routine order. As both a physics major in college and a current physician, I think it is safe to say that I have some Type A personality traits. They did not do well with the changes.

And on what should be a good note, I got a new bike. Yeah, I know, how awesome is that. Well…thanks to my type A and my Ergomo showing me 80 watts less for the same perceived exertion, I am mentally all screwed up. With my old bike, I was on top of the world. I could hammer out sessions like 3x15 minutes, all averaging > 325 watts. Honestly, I never looked at speed, I don't even wear a HR monitor - it is all about the watts. Next thing I know, I am like 30% weaker. I know that I did not grow weaker overnight, but it hard for me to stare down at the monitor and wonder which one is right.

Additionally, work has been rough. In fact, work was kicking my ass. Every call night, I was doing deliveries in between 3 and 5 am. I was exhausted. I did get someone to cover the phones for me so I could get in my long run, but sure enough, I had a delivery right before I was about to walk out the door. Upon my return home, my wife took one look at me and told me to go run. I think she could see that I was about to lose it. Here it was 3 hours before her birthday dinner out with our family and she was sending me out of the house to go run. My mind was a mess. I decided I should take it out on my legs. It was therapy. I was running with rage, anger, fear and embarrassment. I had let triathlon take over my life. 2.5 hours later I was lying on the floor of the kitchen, 21+ miles at an average of 7:04 pace, and somehow I had to figure out how I was going to make it to dinner 35 minutes later.

Some weeks earlier, I had asked a friend of mine who owns an upscale restaurant if he could give my wife and I, along with our three kids under five, a table in the back of his restaurant. My wife's only request for her birthday was to go out and eat a nice meal, as a family. Happily, he obliged. Even though I could hardly eat or drink during the meal, I was able to witness my two boys hug my wife and see her smile that smile of genuine happiness that you get when things are going just right. That is when it hit me. I need to get things right. I need to remember why I do this triathlon thing.

It took sometime, but I feel like I am back. Yes, I am still riding 30% lower watts on my new bike, and that is ok. I have five more weeks to get ready for another long day of Ironman. Five weeks to bring my mind and body together so that I can have the race that I want to have.

Time to get focused,

Todd